Emily, thank you for your deep sharing on a topic that is so much more than a topic; especially timely, as I made a long trip yesterday for a short visit to say good-bye to a (much younger) dear friend of many years. At this stage in my life, I've had a goodly number of these experiences--including being present as dear ones have made their transition. My circle of family and friends diminishes at an increasing rate. During the week before last Christmas, five left. I've come to the conclusion, if I'm to sustain the joy of living, it is incumbent upon me to establish a different relationship with death. This hammered home the point. I'm heartened by what appears to be a willingness to openly explore shifting our personal and collective consciousness around this ever-present fact of life. And you, my dear, are an uplifter.
Thank you so much for your words, Becky. Death is a really important and inherent part of life. The older I get, the closer and present death gets. I figure I’ve either got to redouble my efforts at ignoring, panicking, despairing over it, or actually get to know it. Having tried the former for most of my life, I’ve decided with you that the later definitely provides more space to live (somewhat ironic but not really) and for joy (I think:).
So interesting, Emily - I also tend to catastrophise about my health and have also learned to think of it as 'fear of fear', but in a different way. Death itself isn't the scariest part of a potential illness scenario for me - it's more the idea of being in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty. Fear of the next test result, fear of sitting in hospital waiting rooms, fear of not knowing what's going to happen, fear of existing in a sort of limbo state of uncertainty. So when I discover a symptom and start fretting about it, the anxiety is provoked by the thought of all the potential anxieties to come. If I was actually told I had a terminal illness, I suspect that might be the point at which I could make peace with it all. I figured this out when I had CBT and the therapist said 'so if you're anxious about feeling anxious, you're already living your worst fear'. Which was kind of a revelation, although hasn't stopped me doing it!
I can really relate to this Kate! In a lot of ways, I am already living the catastrophes I imagine. This knowledge has really helped me (and yes, I continue to catastrophize, but I see it and say, “ ok, that’s what I’m doing.” And that does help). I think I’m also frightened of just ceasing to be, especially, when I’ve finally, after much healing, actually begun to enjoy being me and living some of the time. It just seems that at 52, there is so little time left to be me. I think grief lies under that fear. Thank you again!
That makes sense - a human lifespan is so absurdly short! I definitely identify with feeling the grief of your own mortality. And that of those you love! I often feel it hanging over otherwise happy moments, but I tell myself that it makes things feel more precious. Sometimes I believe that and sometimes I just think it sucks.
Yes, me too! I really think death is always with us, which is why I'd like to explore it as a companion rather than a threat. How can being with it now help me "do it" later?
A few musings from your post on death. The first is that I wondered if death is given more attention than it deserves. That sounds a bit strange, doesn't it? What came from that is the awareness that any fears I have of death come from the same place that most (all?) of my other fears come from: wanting to be in control / believing that everything is up to me. When I notice myself being in that place and then start letting go, an issue doesn't loom so large, occupy so much of my attention. That led me into another thought: I think so much of what we call "death" can actually be about suffering and limitations leading to death. I realized that death itself doesn't really give me anything to work with, barring a near-death or return-from-death experience. But the tensions and attention we have around death are understandable, particularly if we have the conviction that we originally weren't meant to experience it. It's a cosmic non sequitur in the midst of LIFE.
Thanks for stimulating a little more awareness on an important topic.
Thanks so much for this, Mark. I do think Death, with a capital D, does get too much attention as an imposing entity that threatens our presumed control and sense of safety. I also agree that actual death doesn’t, as you say, give us a whole lot to work with, but we do get bogged down in the precursory suffering, etc. Your comment has given me more to ponder!
This is such a rich and inviting piece for me, Emily. Aging, and the natural consequences of aging, are thoughts that I have at least once a day. If I settle into inevitability and really land there too long, I can really put myself into a malaise. To offset that state I find that simply being mindful, really being present with the present can stop that doomsday train. I'm going to ponder your companion's thought here--the fear of fear...Thank you for all this, Emily.
Yes, I do think being present is so helpful here ( as it is most places:). Your comment makes me think about death as a companion of the present, a companion that’s with us now, and what that means. I’m not sure, but I’m going to sit with it!
Enjoy your writers retreat! I wonder what something like that is like?
I often relate to your reading material. Even though I haven't read too much Barry Lopez, my heart always warms whenever I hear his name. (I understand he passed away last year.)
Would you have a moment to share one or two of your favorite authors, especially fiction?
Thanks, Don, as always:). I’m not sure what a writing retreat is like either! I’m calling my trip this because I’ll be in the woods alone and hope to think about my writing and its direction. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m going to ponder that question about authors. There are so many possibilities for me. I have sentimental favorites, current favorites, etc. I will let you know. If you’re up for it, ponder your own and share them with me. Thanks!
OK, but I didn’t mean to give you a job! I can say right off the top of my head, without thinking about it at all, that three writers whose books I’ve enjoyed are Russell Banks, Paul Auster, and Barbara Kingsolver. That leaves out many many and probably my most favorite books, too!
Talk soon, Emily. Enjoy your woodsy retreat. Sounds divine!
I will put Middlemarch on my reading list immediately! Tony Morrison is on my top 10 authors list. I think I’ve read all of her novels, maybe missed one or two. I also read that one well-known Zora Neale Hurston book. Thanks, Emily!
Yes, There Eyes Were Watching God, I'm guessing. As with most 19th c. novels, I think it takes about 200 pages to actually get into the book (thanks, I suppose to our 21st. c. attention spans!).
Ha! It’s a good job! I’ll give you my sentimental favorites because those are easy. George Eliot, particularly, Middlemarch, which is probably my all time favorite book because of the world building she does and humanness of her characters. I love Jane Austen because of her deep attention to the subtitles of human experience. The Bronte’a are also favorites. Although Wuthering Heights is too melodramatic for me. I love Dickens’ Bleak House. If you notice a trend toward 19th. tomes here, it’s because that was my major area of study in graduate school. I’m going to ponder more modern writers. Love Barbara Kingsolver!
Oh, also, Toni Morrison and absolutely, Zora Neale Hurston!
I always read books with cold settings in the Texas heat. (And the TV show Alone.) I’m glad to hear the appointment went OK and I’m right there with you on the sudden anxiety when waiting for medical news. Beautiful post!
Emily, thank you for your deep sharing on a topic that is so much more than a topic; especially timely, as I made a long trip yesterday for a short visit to say good-bye to a (much younger) dear friend of many years. At this stage in my life, I've had a goodly number of these experiences--including being present as dear ones have made their transition. My circle of family and friends diminishes at an increasing rate. During the week before last Christmas, five left. I've come to the conclusion, if I'm to sustain the joy of living, it is incumbent upon me to establish a different relationship with death. This hammered home the point. I'm heartened by what appears to be a willingness to openly explore shifting our personal and collective consciousness around this ever-present fact of life. And you, my dear, are an uplifter.
Thank you so much for your words, Becky. Death is a really important and inherent part of life. The older I get, the closer and present death gets. I figure I’ve either got to redouble my efforts at ignoring, panicking, despairing over it, or actually get to know it. Having tried the former for most of my life, I’ve decided with you that the later definitely provides more space to live (somewhat ironic but not really) and for joy (I think:).
And yes, death is so much more than a topic!
So interesting, Emily - I also tend to catastrophise about my health and have also learned to think of it as 'fear of fear', but in a different way. Death itself isn't the scariest part of a potential illness scenario for me - it's more the idea of being in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty. Fear of the next test result, fear of sitting in hospital waiting rooms, fear of not knowing what's going to happen, fear of existing in a sort of limbo state of uncertainty. So when I discover a symptom and start fretting about it, the anxiety is provoked by the thought of all the potential anxieties to come. If I was actually told I had a terminal illness, I suspect that might be the point at which I could make peace with it all. I figured this out when I had CBT and the therapist said 'so if you're anxious about feeling anxious, you're already living your worst fear'. Which was kind of a revelation, although hasn't stopped me doing it!
I can really relate to this Kate! In a lot of ways, I am already living the catastrophes I imagine. This knowledge has really helped me (and yes, I continue to catastrophize, but I see it and say, “ ok, that’s what I’m doing.” And that does help). I think I’m also frightened of just ceasing to be, especially, when I’ve finally, after much healing, actually begun to enjoy being me and living some of the time. It just seems that at 52, there is so little time left to be me. I think grief lies under that fear. Thank you again!
That makes sense - a human lifespan is so absurdly short! I definitely identify with feeling the grief of your own mortality. And that of those you love! I often feel it hanging over otherwise happy moments, but I tell myself that it makes things feel more precious. Sometimes I believe that and sometimes I just think it sucks.
Yes, me too! I really think death is always with us, which is why I'd like to explore it as a companion rather than a threat. How can being with it now help me "do it" later?
That's what I'm trying to do too. And coincidentally have been writing about it a bit this evening for my next essay!
Yay! Looking forward to reading your thoughts.
A few musings from your post on death. The first is that I wondered if death is given more attention than it deserves. That sounds a bit strange, doesn't it? What came from that is the awareness that any fears I have of death come from the same place that most (all?) of my other fears come from: wanting to be in control / believing that everything is up to me. When I notice myself being in that place and then start letting go, an issue doesn't loom so large, occupy so much of my attention. That led me into another thought: I think so much of what we call "death" can actually be about suffering and limitations leading to death. I realized that death itself doesn't really give me anything to work with, barring a near-death or return-from-death experience. But the tensions and attention we have around death are understandable, particularly if we have the conviction that we originally weren't meant to experience it. It's a cosmic non sequitur in the midst of LIFE.
Thanks for stimulating a little more awareness on an important topic.
Thanks so much for this, Mark. I do think Death, with a capital D, does get too much attention as an imposing entity that threatens our presumed control and sense of safety. I also agree that actual death doesn’t, as you say, give us a whole lot to work with, but we do get bogged down in the precursory suffering, etc. Your comment has given me more to ponder!
This is such a rich and inviting piece for me, Emily. Aging, and the natural consequences of aging, are thoughts that I have at least once a day. If I settle into inevitability and really land there too long, I can really put myself into a malaise. To offset that state I find that simply being mindful, really being present with the present can stop that doomsday train. I'm going to ponder your companion's thought here--the fear of fear...Thank you for all this, Emily.
Yes, I do think being present is so helpful here ( as it is most places:). Your comment makes me think about death as a companion of the present, a companion that’s with us now, and what that means. I’m not sure, but I’m going to sit with it!
Just in general, isn’t it wonderful to be in contemplative mode where considering possibilities can be so life giving.
Yes, yes, yes.
Enjoy your writers retreat! I wonder what something like that is like?
I often relate to your reading material. Even though I haven't read too much Barry Lopez, my heart always warms whenever I hear his name. (I understand he passed away last year.)
Would you have a moment to share one or two of your favorite authors, especially fiction?
Thanks, Emily. Great writing, as usual!
Thanks, Don, as always:). I’m not sure what a writing retreat is like either! I’m calling my trip this because I’ll be in the woods alone and hope to think about my writing and its direction. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m going to ponder that question about authors. There are so many possibilities for me. I have sentimental favorites, current favorites, etc. I will let you know. If you’re up for it, ponder your own and share them with me. Thanks!
OK, but I didn’t mean to give you a job! I can say right off the top of my head, without thinking about it at all, that three writers whose books I’ve enjoyed are Russell Banks, Paul Auster, and Barbara Kingsolver. That leaves out many many and probably my most favorite books, too!
Talk soon, Emily. Enjoy your woodsy retreat. Sounds divine!
I will put Middlemarch on my reading list immediately! Tony Morrison is on my top 10 authors list. I think I’ve read all of her novels, maybe missed one or two. I also read that one well-known Zora Neale Hurston book. Thanks, Emily!
Yes, There Eyes Were Watching God, I'm guessing. As with most 19th c. novels, I think it takes about 200 pages to actually get into the book (thanks, I suppose to our 21st. c. attention spans!).
I get what you’re saying about a 21st-century attention span.
That’s the one! I do remember it being a little difficult to connect with.
Ha! It’s a good job! I’ll give you my sentimental favorites because those are easy. George Eliot, particularly, Middlemarch, which is probably my all time favorite book because of the world building she does and humanness of her characters. I love Jane Austen because of her deep attention to the subtitles of human experience. The Bronte’a are also favorites. Although Wuthering Heights is too melodramatic for me. I love Dickens’ Bleak House. If you notice a trend toward 19th. tomes here, it’s because that was my major area of study in graduate school. I’m going to ponder more modern writers. Love Barbara Kingsolver!
Oh, also, Toni Morrison and absolutely, Zora Neale Hurston!
I always read books with cold settings in the Texas heat. (And the TV show Alone.) I’m glad to hear the appointment went OK and I’m right there with you on the sudden anxiety when waiting for medical news. Beautiful post!
Thank you, Joy. Yes, I’m sure you can identify with “cold reading”!
Louise Gluck is on top of my poetry list. I read all her books. Have you read "Averno"?
I really enjoy her as well. Haven’t read “Averno.” But will see if I can get ahold of it. Thanks for the recommendation.