"I never had a choice."

Brief thoughts on acceptance.

Poetry

Today’s haiku comes via my dear friend Heartland Mysteries , who sends me the best poems.

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Journeying

I’m working on a longer “journeying” piece for you, but due to travel and the part-time job I’ve acquired as a cancer patient, the essay I’d intended for this week’s newsletter is not ready. As a placeholder, I’d like to offer you a quote from Pico Iyer’s new book A Flame: Learning from Silence. The book chronicles Iyer’s journey with quiet, particularly, within the walls of New Camaldoli Hermitage in Big Sur, California. The passage comes from a book Iyer finds in the monastery kitchen:

“One hears, one does not seek. One accepts, one does not ask who gives. Like lightening a thought flares up, with necessity, without hesitation regarding its form. I never had a choice.”

Lately, I have spent a lot of time accepting what is: myself, my history, my current circumstances. They really can’t be otherwise. I cannot be a person who does not love words. I cannot be a person who was not born in Great Falls, Montana in the early 70’s. I cannot be a person, at this moment anyway, who does not have breast cancer. In this, and in much else, I do not have a choice. Have resigned myself to fate? Maybe, but I don’t feel trapped by determinism. I feel relieved. Acceptance allows me to see myself and others with more clarity. The choices I do have, I can make either with some certainty, or at least, hold their import loosely. I can “give up the battle,” as my friend and mentor P likes to say, the constant struggle to articulate a self.

I’d be interested in what you think about this passage. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

To assure you that all is not lost, below you’ll find the usual Gardening and Making/Mending sections, appearing right on time.

Also, please check out the upcoming events section. In addition to my weekly Threshold episode with Julia Rymut , I’ll be talking with the wonderful Susan J Tweit next week about what terraphilia means to me. I’m excited to find out!

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Gardening and Making/Mending

Northern California color; banana slug having a midday snack; a chilly swim

I’ve gone much farther afield for my gardening content this week, to Santa Rosa and Santa Cruz, California. Every year, I attend, and often help facilitate, a retreat for a handful of people committed to exploring and living the contemplative life. And every year, the shift from deep winter in Nebraska, to full spring in California leaves me stunned. Luckily, this state passes quickly into joy and hiking. This year, I spent several days before the retreat trekking with my dear friend J through the hills surrounding her homestead outside Santa Rosa. February is northern California’s green season. At the close of one hike, we spotted several blue birds flitting across the slope. The combination of iridescent green slope and bright blue birds made me wonder if I’d entered one of the super-saturated Japanese animation films my daughter loves.

At the retreat in Santa Cruz, my second floor retreat room overlooked the beach. I opened the window first thing and closed it as my last act before returning my room key. The rise and fold and fall of the waves held me through each night. On our second day by the ocean, my friend M and I donned swimming suits and prepared for a very cold dip in the water. Everyone else in the ocean, wisely, wore full wetsuits. Once in and over the initial breath-stealing shock of cold water flung at our faces, we found ourselves returning again and again to jump over and into the waves. We emerged exhilarated.

Plane reading

You might expect that two four hour plane trips would give me plenty of knitting time. On my California journey, I brought along the sock project I’ve begun for my partner with hopes of finishing the first one on the long flights to and fro. I even measured various aspects of his foot before I left to make sure that I would not get stuck and have to put the project away, until his foot was once again in the same room with me. Unfortunately, I forgot to measure the length of his heel. I have only knit one other pair of socks for him, a very long time ago, so I have no idea how long to make the heel flap on this pair. I knit a reasonable amount of the flap then put the project away and picked up a book. I spent the rest of my copious flight time reading, which if I’m honest is not a bad trade.

Upcoming

Threshold: Healthy Shame?

Shame is a powerful emotion used both to protect people and promote good behavior, and to silence people and force conformity. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with shame? If so, how do we do it? Join Julia Rymut and me @11:00am CT as we explore what role shame plays in healthy living.

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